Snip & Regan TV livechat Jersey Shore Season Finale

Snip: "desyphon a bomb"

just caught that one

decipher + syphon?

both wrong

me: frog situation

ugh

Snip: the pouf is outta control

me: Frogs dont like you either bitch

Ronnie is such a puss

Snip: adults with suckers

all kinds of wrong

me: so is the fact that Ronnie can't pronounce an H

we ALL hate H in this house

Sent at 10:06 PM on Thursday

Snip: i find it interesting that the biggest insult these peeps can throw at each other is "fake"

um, you're all tanned, gelled, lipo'ed, and roided within an inch of your lives

"fake" seems to be what you're striving for, fucking embrace it

Sent at 10:08 PM on Thursday

me: I KNOW

also Snooki has been vertical like twice the whole season

Sent at 10:10 PM on Thursday

Snip: no boneyard?

me: its a yellow party

ugh

but like

Snip: wow

paulie, way to be

me: ok awesome you dont want to fuck her cause you like her

but maybe she doesnt want your dick that's all damp with 4am skank you know

Snip: yes, you've been through the "worst"

me: YIKES SAMMI

God shes like a guido alien face sucker

Snip: ...like, that famine, or the time ronnie lost his job, or when they lived through the war

they've been through it all

me: LMAO

when they all had full blown AIDS that day

Snip: jersey shore, miami, drunk pouty arguments

burger king needs to fire its advertising team

me: No

i mean

the out of shape versions of these idiots are its target audience

Snip: flute players?

me: stoners

Snip: OHH

that explains so much

me: although that commercial is wildly grating and makes me want to beat breakfast to death.

with a flute.

Snip: but you think the king would freak out stoners

me: But the King could only come from the mind of stoners

OMG

this commercial is melting my brain

DONT RENT TEXT BOOKS

Snip: chegg?

me: FUCKING OWN THEM

and READ them

(rent text books so you can get your gtl on)

Snip: ohh boy

Sent at 10:20 PM on Thursday

Snip: who cares?!?!

can we vote them off the island already

me: Snooki is like an orange baby panda

seriously

Snip: the guidos have spoken: you are boring and you suck

Bed? Is this 2002?

me: they have said 'We're in Miami' like 10000 times each episode

I think they are so stupid they have to remind themselves

Being a guido is a way of LYYYFE

ok yeah

white flag

Im done

all girls are whores

YES say no to hos!

Snip: haha

me: oh Imma vomit

why are they kissing like dying fish

Snip: situation will scrape that shit of the floor

me: BAAAAAAHHHH

eew eew eew

Snip: and fuck it! in the bathroom!

me: I think it only gave him head

COTTON. drink!

Snip: im on it

wine is already uncorked

Sent at 10:26 PM on Thursday

me: ohhh. I made out with someone in that trailer...

Snip: haha!

better than someone in the subway commercial

me: well...

uhm...

Sent at 10:28 PM on Thursday

Snip: do you notice this kitty that's always hanging around?

me: ALWAYS

and being ignored all thetime

god Ronnies body

I hate myself right now

Snip: yeah

drink for that one

me: vodka shot done

i still kinda wanna lick on his line

lets get me drunk enough to not

Sent at 10:31 PM on Thursday

Snip: you need a shot then a slap

of love

me: truly

Snip: this episode sucks

so far

me: FAKE FAKE FAKE

Sent at 10:33 PM on Thursday

Snip: pittsburgh-based movie

what what!

me: Russel Crowe's face drops a centimeter every year

Snip: hehe

"how do u spell likely"?

me: Melanoma hahahah

Snip: how do you spell: the producers devised this game!

me: L.I.K.E.L.Y.

"how many times I go into a thing"

I think Mike may actually be 40

Snip: who's saying I'm fake? the guy that prints my ID that says I'm still 29?!

who's saying i'm fake? the girl at the tanning booth who airbrushes my abs?

the guy that made my veneers? WHO?

Ed Hardy, who bedazzled my ass cheeks?

Sent at 10:39 PM on Thursday

me: the bisexual elf that shaves the stars in my head?

...and my fupa?

Snip: hahsa

me: wow.calm.down

Snip: you shoulda seen the elf at the first tanning place i went to today

that didn't have uv-free

me: is that Turk from scrubs in that terrible looking movie?

Snip: he was that kind of brown that just offsets all the pinks and whites of your face: the lips, the inside of his earlobes

me: FUCK subway this ad is so offensive

oh...turned inside out brown

Snip: yep

freaky

me: I had a friend named donald that brown when i was five

I tried to scrub it off

Snip: i remember that!

me: his mom stopped letting us hang out

BAH cat in cowboy hat

Snip: this commercial reminds me

i had a dream that i got these crazy big tattoos

me: side note: Xtina? please please go easy opn the foundation

Snip: on my right calf and my upper thighs

me: whoa

Snip: roid rage!

me: "The Situation is coming out with a book, because he won't stop until he gives you an STD through all mediums"

Snip: is he REALLY?

jenni: not talk

me: http://www.thesuperficial.com/the-situation-has-a-book-cover-10-2010

i kiiinda need to read it

just to lnow

Snip: that's probably good advice in many SITUATIONS

Sent at 10:46 PM on Thursday

Snip: 133 pages is nothing

it's probably like size 16 fonts

they nodded?

me: and all comic sans

Snip: this is the worst conflict ever

sammi's like, "this is why i don't have friends"

me: also cause I am a needy succubis

omg Chegg

this ad offends me

Snip: conan!!!

me: !!!! i cant wait till he comes back

Snip: he can probably be even weirder and awesomer since it's cable

mmm...chalupa

me: I used to get seven kinds of nasty in chalupas

err

on

Get ready

for the final formulaic rom com of 2010

VOM

shes so orange shes red now

Snip: "let situation forcibly rape you and make you feel better"

Sent at 10:53 PM on Thursday

me: did they just pixelate out her ass cheeks?

hes gonna rape her with sausage?

Snip: MIAMI!

drink!

me: This whole season has been sponsored by the color yellow

get through this time in Miami
BITCH

Snip: it looks good with tan, duh

me: you are living rent free and being fucking paid

to go out to clubs

survive Bosnia

Snip: and pretend to work at a gelato shop

me: survive cancer

oh the Raven is there

because you are on minute 14:59

and they dont quack

Snip: it's a crow, apparently

me: though irnoically

snooki sometimes does

Snip: according to the audobon society

of guidos

Sent at 10:57 PM on Thursday

me: The guido kennel clup says that St Bernards moo

also calls themselves a clup

RAY-WOWW and SNIPUATION

Snip:

i don't know what's up

10:03 PM vinny is wasted

vinnie could be a good nickname for vagina

10:04 PM why is holding a bunch of cash?

10:07 PM where is my chat buddy???

10:12 PM "but u usually don't have sex with your big brother"

10:13 PM me: I DO

im here

10:14 PM i was distracted by the theatre grp

Snip: "we're going to SPACE"

it would be aweseom if they really went to space

me: OMG NIPPLES

EEW

10:15 PM Snip: speaking of

me: Wtf is she wearing

Snip: the shoes are the worst part

well the whole thing is worst

me: thats saying alot considering the eyebrows fake tits and shoddy lipo

10:16 PM who fights snooki? shes like an infant

Snip: ps did u see my most recent pic on facebook?

theres nip

10:17 PM ¿ <--- Reina typed that

i don't know how

10:20 PM me: LMAO

mexicat!!!!!

OMG theres nip

Snip: hehe

10:21 PM me: date rape

jesus

Snip: yup

but also

who gets in a cab with strangers

10:22 PM me: shes so busted too

hes such a dick

Snip: yup

10:23 PM me: dude im obsessed w maru

10:24 PM Snip: old man

busted!

me: god but eew

10:25 PM hes really horrific

Snip: also

who wants to f*&% in a shitty ikea bed

with all the lights on??

me: I KNOW

Snip: and a bunch of sweaty cameraman around you

me: and that fucking cheap poly blanket

10:26 PM leona lewis? for cotton?

10:27 PM Snip: why does cotton even need a commercial?

me: I ALWAYS say that

its like a commercial for walls

10:29 PM Snip: can't do it?!

she wouldn't have done it in a million years

10:30 PM me: RIGHT

vinnys girls ass is really perfect

Snip: rocio is cute

10:31 PM me: so cute

Snip: and sammi needs a life

10:32 PM "prime A meat of men"

lemme tell you

10:33 PM i have not seen a single hot guy in pitt

notta one

10:34 PM me: no not even big head lil body?

colbie callait?

for cotton?

Snip: yup

10:35 PM and its funny that all the jersey shore people wear synthetic fabrics

me: RIGHT

Snip: like angelina wore those dresses you could buy in a drug store

me: lame

the fabric of our lives

literally they had them in walgreens all summer

the hoodies too

10:36 PM Snip: also, is this challenge mocking WWII

me: OFFENSIVE

Snip: the "goulag"? are u kidding me?

me: truly

gross

Snip: the firemen have to open windows

bc they are too stupid to figure that out

10:37 PM me: Snooki is so earnest in her lechery

and mikes vocabulary has to be more than ten words

this dinner convo is DEEP

Snip: at first we didn't know each other

10:38 PM SHUT UP SAMMI

me: he seems fucked up on something

Snip: asian?

oh boy

10:39 PM me: her skin is so crispy

wow that was adult of him

Snip: we used to tease my asian friend for having a slanted vagina

me: but they do...

10:40 PM its night Ron

take the glasses off

Snip: i wear my sunglasses at night

me: Snooki and Mike fucked?

Snip: so i can blah blah blah...

me: LOL

10:41 PM Snip: is it just me or does the guy from my chemical romance look like johnny weir?

or is it johnny weir?

me: its johnny weir

10:42 PM Snip: it is!!

i love him

me: he is a flaming rainbow of unicorns and glitter

10:43 PM Snip: i know

me: i know you are drunk but i hope you realize how hilarious that whole exchange just was

its now my away message

10:44 PM Snip: hook up board

me: DAMN Jenni looks 50

10:46 PM Snip: i think their insides are all cooked

me: truly

10:47 PM the finale may be amazing

Snip: i am TIRED of jackass 3D

10:48 PM me: SO TIRED

AHHHHHHHHH stop saying your name

Snip: we GOTTA SNIPUATION IN HERE

10:49 PM snipsnipsnip

snipuation!

me: LMAO

LMAO

LMAO

Snip: i gotta snip on outta here

me: Snipulation and Ray-Woww

10:50 PM Snip: i gotta find some juiceheads that are DTF

YES

REY WOWW!

me: or kittens that are DTP

DOWN TO PET

Snip: some heavy pettin' up in here!

what what!! snip

10:51 PM me: Beef you can just go snuggle alone, with a pillow

Snip: car's gone AND we have melanoma

10:52 PM me: AND vinny only has one shirt

STOP

STOP

cant you just have i dunno, an "incedent?"

Snip: a happening

10:53 PM me: an experience

Snip: they should get a black cast member called the happening

why is he carrying the phone book?

10:54 PM me: cause its 1994?

Snip: kitten!!!

me: half shirt!!!

10:55 PM Snip: canadians are always dtf

me: esp for dudes in matching yellow

Snip: yup

me: Daaaang titties

who drinks soda before sex

10:56 PM thats like a queeftail

Snip: whoa purple dress

me: BAAAAH

vom

10:57 PM eew eew eew

10:59 PM nice.socks.paul

Snip: i just had a flash forward of him in 30 years

wife beater, white shorts, black socks

me: big big gut

Hey you know whats awesome?

and why you should be happy?

11:00 PM Snip: why?

me: you

are

not

these

people

Ihop or Dennys? Where'd you buy your Gun?

"This is train wreck."
"This is beyond a train wreck"
"This is a train wreck that happens because the conductor was looking out the window at a seven car pile-up"

Its Saturday night, two summers ago. A lone evening off from a low budget film project for which I find myself, somehow or another, in Allentown, Pennsylvania.
In the suspiciously stained back booth of an unsavory bar I exchange catty quips with "L" -Our wardrobe designer, stylist, former pageant queen and all-around terrible person.

We'd been holed up in a seemy little no-tell motel spitting distance from the highway. Boasting fifteen-minute rates, a close proximity to Kohl's and sheets that give you skin diseases medical science hasn't seen in five centuries, it was the sort of place that afforded little rest without considerable intoxication.

At the recommendation of the front desk clerk (and perhaps despite his questionable twitch) we'd hit the local dive.

A pick-up joint.
Shitty. Nondescript. Named something predictably Irish (Saucy McDrunkerson's: Hell yes these people are getting laid!)
We walk a half mile in the dark to find it jam-packed. A singles' night full to the brim with weathered people. Still-uniformed middle-aged waitresses, chain smoking steel workers and way, WAAY too many truckers. I fear by night's end ill have somehow gotten in a fight about Toby Kieth.

Its a hell of a scene:
Large, leathery breasts. Too-tight pants.
The stench of desperation, which, from the air around me, I reckon smells a lot like Newports and Lean Cuisine.

There are lines everywhere.
People are filling out forms.
SPEED DATING is going on...

...Well FUCK. This just got kind of entertaining.

I input this new data and scrutinize the crowd.
Speed Dating.
Here.
Why the hell not.

I wonder aloud what that must be like:

"Reds or Menthols?" I snicker "Pabst or Shlitz?" "How many years have you owned your Jean Jacket?" "How long was your tour in 'Nam?"
(If you don't stop me folks, they'll keep on coming)

I've managed to fully entertain myself when L interjects with needless acid:

"Look at these pieces of shit" she says, with palpable venom. "Same fucking people that try to tell you G-d doesn't make mistakes. Shit. I gotta get a picture"

she rifles for her phone, through a Bottega Veneta bag that probably cost more than the combined wardrobe of everyone around us.

... that I have a sudden, intense urge to take a dump in.

When she hoists her phone to snap a picture, heartbreakingly, folks in the crowd actually smile. A town devoid of irony. They whisper and glance repeatedly in our direction. It occurs to me that sitting there, with our outfits and purses and still human looking flesh, we stand out.

L is wearing sunglasses at 10pm. She's redheaded, twee and overaccessorized. I am wearing shelltoes,pigtails and a purple dress more accurately described as 'tank top'.

People stare, of course.
People ALWAYS stare at ridiculous other people...

L sneers:

"They think we're somebody."

I look down at my bare lap.

Somebody who needs pants.

Something troubling stirs in her eyes. Every gaze in her direction seems to fuel it. She's a beautiful girl, used to being looked at, but the attention around her now makes her...swell. I swear, for a moment, she looks healthier, blood in her cheeks, light in her eyes. A vampire whose life force comes from the envy of less attractive women.

"Way to rock your Wal-Mart spring '05 ladies. God. Its like a bunch of turds decided it was their day to be fancy. FUCK why don't I have service!"

I'm not sure who it is she thinks needs to see pictures of middle-aged singles on a Saturday night. I picture her clicking on an email tab that says "Other Douchebags"

Unable to send her pictures, she heads up to get us drinks. A sizeable woman brushes past her on her way to potential new love.

"What is this? JC Penny? Its nice" she says, pinching the fabric of the strange woman's brown plus-size top. The woman thanks her earnestly, to which she responds with an enormous roll of her huge brown eyes. Men whistle at no one in particular, she exaggerates her visible disgust.

Granted, nobody wants the affections of truckers, but there's an extra measure of arrogance here, as if everything in her is screaming "DO YOU KNOW WHO I FUCKING AM?"

I laugh to myself.

A hundred miles away, honey, you are nobody.

---

Despite being someone who devotes an inordinate amount of time to beautiful, I'm well aware that in New York, beautiful is nothing.
Shit, in the grand scheme of life its nothing, but in New York beautiful is every fifth person.
Its serving you dinner at Olives. Its naked in the next dressing room. Its booking your bikini wax, asking aloud about your upper lip and arriving daily on the first bus from Akron. Beautiful is so ubiquitous here, its damn near boring.

As a result, the beautiful people in New York are often, the most cripplingly insecure.

L, like me, was crushed in the vice of film and fashion. Its a business that thrives on making people discover new things to hate about themselves. The back of my head is a leetle too flat to pull off a fedora. That I KNOW that says a lot about the day to day vileness you have to endure.

I'm fortunate in that, even at my most superficial, with fake hair a tanning package and not an ounce of solid food in my belly, I managed to retain enough of my good sense to realize its all bullshit, and more importantly, its all VERY temporary.

Maybe I just had better friends.

L's cattiness was honed in gay clubs and go-sees. She'd sit snickering with small time designers as they dismissed models for the pointyness of their ears and angle of their teeth. Her self-loathing was the product of a youth spent in vicious competition for the title of Miss Prefabricated Suburb. She was a petri dish of infectious bile. We became friends on another set because she told me she liked to "Roll with vanity vag"

-It speaks ill of me to even have continued that conversation...

I understood her .

I knew how easy it was to feel deflated by the size or hair or clothes of every other girl around you. In Allentown, she had absolutes. She was thinner, younger, prettier than absolutley everyone else in the bar. She would never have to look for love in the world wearied eyes of a former longshoreman. She was something she never really got to be at home.

She was unquestionably, inarguably- better.

----

I'm not above being a bitch. I catch myself, often, being mind blowingly judgmental. If you suck as a human being, BELEIVE that I'm thinking it every time I see you. If you suck as a human being *and* you happen to have honkin' man boobs, thats likely how I describe you to everyone I know.

I'm not innocent, but I'm also not reasonlessly shitty.

So PA Singles Night was a shitshow, sure. Yeah there's something inherently hilarious about a miniskirt worn by what can be described as a woman only in the loosest sense of the word, but at the end of the day, we are all part of the same puke-colored paisley print of people. Being beautiful is not the thing that untangles your thread.

You can stand out. You can be extraordinary. You can be the color nobody else can describe, but simply being HUMAN, you can never really stand apart.

And at my worst, my bitchiest, knowing that is what saved me from being like L.

Am I insecure? Certainly. You probably are too. Every one of us wrestles with some form of distorted self opinion. When it drives you, you find yourself constantly hitting walls.
Someone will always be, always have- something more than you, something you deserve, something thats always been hopelessly out of your reach. Its easy to find comfort by shitting all over the people who have less.

Of course, it also makes you a total asshole.

So yeah,
I spend alot of time on Beautiful.
I think about it all day long.

Its my cat sleeping with his belly arched to the sky. Its My boyfriend consumed in learning.
The light that hits fourth avenue at 3 o'clock, The bracelet I found for two dollars in the Atlantic Avenue salvo and the remarkable way my friend Laurel moves her hands.

It exists in everything, I'm sure somewhere deep even in the things I hate. In the worn flesh of Allentown truckers, and the ladies they ineptly woo. Who were put on this earth for a purpose beyond making L (or anyone else) feel better about the size of her ass

-but yes, it does exist in her too.


All that said,
Hi Everybody!
It's good to be back- and if I ever forget to tell you.
You are all
Really
Really

Beautiful.


Love you like plastic fingernails and a half-smoked pack of Kools,
Regan