MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!

Snip: i haven't seen a good sale in a while
9:58 PM that would really make my day
9:59 PM like, in nyc, i used to know about the secret sale rack at the gap by my work
me: i wanna shop w u again
Snip: i got corduroys for $8
me: also the gaps new stuf is fug
10:00 PM Snip: and dress pants for $12
me: also its 10pm
do you know where your guidos are?
Snip: what!!!!
all the fumes I inhaled today put me in the right frame of mind
for jersey shore
me: LOL
10:01 PM Snip: i will totally understand it now
me: LMAO
did you ever get to see last week?
Snip: "mean bone in her body" = ron
10:02 PM yes
me: so to be clear...because I'm not fully...
we established that Deena likes to toss salads?
Snip: yea
me: "I've dranken alot more"
Snip: i think he said, s*ck my d*ck
me: DRANKEN
10:03 PM Snip: and she's like, nah, but i'll lick your poo hole
me: Why does Mike give them the T-shirt:
Snip: his whole "pajamas" move is corn-y
10:04 PM also, why he does laundry so much
me: A) before getting them naked
and B) if he is just going to kick em out anyway
Snip: ewwwww
me: its probably all Corona and anabolic steroids
10:05 PM Snip: that'll do it
where's sara?
me: WTF was Jenni sleeping in?
Sarah is actually supposed to be on her way to the Lyceum to do this up live
she had a dinner tonight so she may be late
Snip: doin it LIVE!
10:06 PM oh man
me: oh RON IS BLEEDING FROM THE BUTT
Snip: or the pee pee?
me: nope.
Snip: oops, okay, but
butt*
hemroids?
also, all those damn gerbils he keeps putting up there
10:07 PM me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M17aG_Po2Y
This is making Sammi way too happy.
10:08 PM Snip: yikes
me: Wow. I know alot of people who drink alot more...and don't bleed from their assholes.
Snip: yea, i feel like they are omitting some info
10:10 PM me: Oh and a commercial for taking your date to Taco Bell
...appropriate.
Snip: 4 times the steak...
10:11 PM ...like substance!
me: LOL
Snip: it's actually squirrel, but it's squirrel steak
plus 32 leaveners and chemicals
me: You know, you have a point. "Steak" is a very broad term.
10:12 PM Oh good god. Snooki you can't masturbate. You are a cartoon poodle.
BAH.
All day?
Snip: ummmm
10:13 PM she's doing it on that tricycle right now
this is like the jersey shore version of neergaard
me: The frightningly anorexic clerk is not amused.
10:14 PM Snip: okay, you guys have $150
me: Why is Deena talking like Danny DeVito doing Robert DeNiro
10:15 PM like she literally did the DeNiro face when she said "as well"
Snip: haha
petey, dario, chris
that seems about right
me: no one on this show ever pronounces the "H" in "with"
10:16 PM annnnd Snooki's accent was ABSENT in that whole segment
10:17 PM Snip: linguists should study them
me: you were really right about Sammi and pants
Snip: what did I say before? she never wears them?
10:18 PM me: yes.
Snip: oh man
10:19 PM one of them is telling the guy she has her period
me: Well theres a man who knows what to say to get laid
Snip: the other is bemoaning her weight
they've skipped ahead to like the 3 month point
me: lmao
10:20 PM Catching shit...for being late...to your fake job.
Snip: their mating ritual is like sped up
10:21 PM me: I gotta tell you, the first Paranormal Activity scared the shit out of me.
But Shane...
mofo cold thought I was gonna get possessed and kill him.
10:22 PM Snip: haha
i totally believe it
now here's the role january jones was made for:
playing the wife of a man 20 years her senior
10:23 PM she's the perfect blend of blondeness and vapidity
me: I think the role January Jones was made for was like
dishrag
or bottle of Clorox
or any other inanimate, mundane object
10:24 PM Snip: armchair
me: BTW how is Glee in syndication ALREADY
...toothbrush
Snip: tongue.ring.
10:25 PM me: on a dude.
so gross.
Snip: HAHAHA
me: what? Snooki. NO
Snip: whale sperm
this is the most slur-tastic conversation
me: how do we jump from "engaged" to "STD"
10:26 PM Snip: well, lemme tell you
me: she is capable of speaking well
Snip: it just happens
me: but she gats so "hyannnnaaahhh"
LMAO
Snip: neal says i probably got it on a toilet seat
10:27 PM snooki is being silly
me: and Pauly D has moobs.
Snip: HAAHAHA
10:28 PM "i'd like an apology pizza"
me: Snooki cannot pull off sexy nurse.
10:29 PM Or sexy anything.
Snip: it's more like "short" something
short cashier
short Denny's waitress
me: but like
10:30 PM it looks like Beef in shirts
Snip: incongruous
"I'm ronnie. If you like bleeding from the ass..."
"...get Xenadrine!"
10:31 PM me: LMAO
Snip: i can't wait until like 20 years from now
me: I wonder if that happens from Cocaine abuse
Snip: and ronnie gets bruce jener-esque plastic surgery
10:32 PM i can picture it
me: no nose!!!
Jenni your boobs are ridiculoous
10:33 PM NO YOU DONT
YOU LOOK LIKE A BUILD A BEAR BASEBALL BEAR
Snip: HAHA
exactly
10:34 PM cooking and cleaning is a woman's job. really ronnie?
she took you to the butt doctor
me: I mean...does it really surprise you that he thinks this?
Snip: no
10:35 PM me: I dunno that Id want that much garlic if i was having ass issues
Snip: word.
what if i wore a "hustler" hat?
10:36 PM would you still be my friend?
me: I might drug you, and remove it, but yes.
Snip: i will glue it to my head
me: Though I kind of think if that was a thing you started doing
Snip: with whale sperm
me: it would be a little amazing.
JIMINY CRICKET
10:37 PM <3 keyboard cat <3
10:39 PM Snip: i'm sending you a pic of cubicle cat
and underwear cat
me: BAH
Snip: she put them on herself on laundry day
10:40 PM so i should come to ny this summer
me: Relax bro its a fake job
Snip: and we take a trip to the shore
me: YES YES YES YES YES
10:41 PM OMFG underwear cat is so cute
Snip: get the full body condoms! we're going to the shore!
me: YES YES YES YES YES
i actually think I WANT you to get a hustler hat for that
Snip: okay
10:42 PM sam's hair has to be fried
10:43 PM deena's outfit is pretty subdued
me: Oh shut up mike you know you like , condition your ball hair
All those girls have stick hair
10:44 PM ihaaatttteeewhitnnnneeeyporrrrrtttt
Snip: whitney port can't buy an emotion
me: blemish free
but still Whitney Port
10:46 PM Snip: adam sandler + jennifer aniston IN...
"Rich, No-Talent AssClowns"
in theaters Friday!
10:47 PM me: LMAO
10:48 PM Snip: somebody needs to send sammi to haiti
so girlfriend can see some real problems
me: Or like
I dunno
a Galveston walmart even
10:50 PM Snip: stork/stalk
me: wait why was the Stork joke funny?
OHHHH
Snip: puns!
they do puns!
sammi wears glasses to bed
10:51 PM so she can give ron the stinkeye all night long
10:52 PM me: This is like
exaaactly what happened last week
BRO? you called him BRO?
Snip: yep
10:53 PM dwight howard's head is too small for his body
discuss
me: Wait, they've done Real World: Las Vegas already
YES
Snip: they ran out of cities
me: Really Martin Lawrence? Really?
10:54 PM dude
Snip: they refuse to come to detroit
me: Real Housewives of Miami
looks
AMAZE
10:55 PM Snip: i haven't seen it!!
oh andy cohen
he loves those cash cows
known as housewives
10:56 PM me: I cant beleive he bangs Anderson Cooper
I mean..
Snip: nooo
me: ...I CAN
but I can't
Snip: AC can do way better
me: Right??
Snip: he's exploding...because of a drawer?
10:57 PM or because he does massive amounts of drugs?
but back to andy cohen
i think he actually has a nice body...but it doesn't match his head/look
10:58 PM kind of like that "fitness made simple" guy
me: I agree but that is true of alot of gay men
Snip: john basedow...fasedow?
10:59 PM awww...it's over
me: DUDE I MET HIM
I
MET
HIM
he is
TERRIFYING
11:00 PM Snip: details@
!
11:01 PM me: I was working in the Village and he was coming out of
(of course)
David Barton
and I SQUEALED
OMG
YOU ARE FITNESS CELEBRITY JOHN BASEDOW
and he shook my hand
it was summer and he had this tank top on that was loose fitting but cut way too low under the armpits
11:02 PM and when he grasped my hands
his neck cords just tensed up like bridge cables
and he clearly had airbrush foundation on
Snip: NO
me: very very very non human monochromatic orange
11:03 PM and I told him that I read his website and myspace
which I DID
mind you
totally ironically
11:04 PM Snip: suuuure